Amelia is SO close to walking, she can almost taste it. She doesn’t quite realize, we think, that she can keep her balance without someone’s steadying her, but she can. Paradoxically, she’s also getting much closer to crawling – wouldn’t it be funny if she learned both at once?

Of course all these impending milestones, in addition to the continuous teething, mean that sleep is pretty restless these days. We made a big change (which I think will work well in the long run) to our bedroom when we got back from vacation – we put our futon mattress on the floor and put Amelia’s crib mattress next to it so that everyone can sleep together with a lot more room! I’ve realized that I really cherish the time Amelia and I spend snuggling at night, especially considering how little time we have together during the day, and that I’m OK with a few night wakings as long as I’m confident that she’s waking me up and not vice versa. So we’re going to keep sleeping in a family bed for the time being, and having more room is really helping me, even if she’s sleeping badly these days.

The poor sleep has obviously taken its toll on the blog; my apologies there. We had a blast in Oregon but it was hell on the routine, so the last two weeks have been a lot of chaos yearning toward order. I was given some of the toys from my childhood when I was in Oregon and I shipped them to Texas. I am so grateful that my mother preserved these blocks, books, puzzles and other wonderful wooden toys that I remember playing with – every time I see Amelia playing with them, I feel so happy! And I can’t wait to introduce her to the books that helped shape my childhood so profoundly. Looking through them brought back fond memories and even if everything isn’t perfectly PC these days – I’ll take some pictures of our beloved cloth book about pockets (“For Girls 2-6″) – it’s still awesome cool to pass these toys on to my daughter.

Amelia has some kind of viral crud that involves a nose that runs like a wide-open faucet, poor sleep, clingy behavior and intermittent fever. We both got no more than 2 contiguous hours of sleep last night and were up at 2:30 with fever. I took her to the doctor in the morning and her fever had broken but she was still very lethargic. The doctor didn’t like the look of that, so we did a blood test and it indicated a viral something. I’m just glad it doesn’t require antibiotics – she’s had way more ear infections in her life than I’m OK with, especially for an exclusively breast-fed baby!

But caring for a viral illness involves no magic bullet of antibiotics – just the old reliables of sleep, lots of nursing and quiet play. So we’re not going to the Whitehead Family Reunion this weekend, which is where Tom is right now, barbecuing brisket for about 50-80 people. Hopefully he’ll bring some home – he was really pulling out the stops for this year’s brisket! He left on Thursday night and will return on Sunday.

As much as I love spending time with Amelia, it is a little daunting to care for a sick baby all by yourself for 2 days straight. You can’t visit anyone because Amelia will get them sick, and it’s WAY too hot to be outside unless you just have to. I’ve been able to get a few things done around the house, just to preserve my own sanity, but I confess I’m a little tired and bored (our games are fun, but repetitive) and I’ll be happy when Tom gets home.

So Amelia still sleeps in our bed with us, and is still nursed to sleep. I fight a feeling of guilt about this, as I had set my expectations that she would sleep with us for 6 months or so and then transition to the crib. I didn’t really have a plan on the nursing to sleep thing, but Tom’s justifiable worry that one day I might have to sleep away from Amelia does give me pause.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution, here we come. I know other parents have successfully used the Ferber “cry it out” method, but it’s just not for us, especially after all those months of colic. Pantley gives a bunch of ideas in her book for co-sleeping, night-nursing parents like us, and they’re all good.

Except I’m weak. And I’m especially weak when I’m sleepy. We have tried starting to transition Amelia out of our bed several times already, and I’ll admit I’m the backslider. I’m like an Olympic luge backslider, if you want a degree of slidage. After a couple of night wakings, it just seems the most sensible thing to go back to the uncomfortable, but functional status quo of sleeping with and nursing Amelia all night.

This makes me particularly worried for Amelia when she upgrades to her 2.0 or 3.0 versions. Will I give in to her every whim because it’s just easier? Will I, a woman who was the terror of her students when a teacher, become an over-permissive parent out of laziness? I would hate that about me!

So at this point, I’m aiming low: I’m going to just try and night wean – ie, get Amelia to stop nursing all night long. Then we’ll see about getting her to sleep somewhere other than in our bed. Naturally, the fact that I’m trying to change something makes Amelia that much more determined to keep everything just the way it’s always been, so I’m getting pretty crappy sleep these days.
I suppose I could think of it like exercise – not much fun but bringing wonderful rewards in the future. Except I’ve never been that good at sticking to exercise for that reason.

Parenting in many ways is like florescent lighting for the soul – it highlights all my faults and makes my good features look sallow. but maybe that’s just the exhaustion talking.